I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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