Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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