Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
