I met the friendliest cop last night
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
im calling her cock vulture from now on
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
