Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
