Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
