'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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