Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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