I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Randomize
