Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
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