That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
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