Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
