Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
