I met the friendliest cop last night
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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