highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
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