dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
