I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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