Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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