Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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