I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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