Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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