who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
