Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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