If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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