when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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