when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
