Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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