im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
My liver just had a heart attack.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
