You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
All I want is dick and wine.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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