just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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