I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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