sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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