I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
