hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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