I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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