You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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