One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize