Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
