he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
