I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
