can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
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