You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize