i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize