great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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