He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Randomize
