A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
