dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
