I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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