Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
