the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
