i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
