I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
