chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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