i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
