1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
