She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
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