I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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