The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
