No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
