I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
