They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
