what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
