roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
