I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
