JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
