She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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