so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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