I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize