hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
