Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
