I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
