Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
