rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
